It's all true. I know it. I can see it in the mirror. I have a belly, it's a whole 24 inches around! I am a size 4, but that's now. That's after a year of bulimia. Before that, who knows how big my belly was, but I wore a size 8 and could grab my stomach pudge. But I changed, I lost that weight like I was told to, now I should be desirable. But when I look at that damn mirror, I still have a pooch at the end of my stomach. I can still grab at my skin, and there are fat rolls under my bra. Maybe if I stay bulimic just a few more months I will be what everyone else wants from me.
****
It's been two years now and people can see my bones, I can clearly see my ribs and hip bones. Is the beauty? Am I beautiful yet?
Ring, ring. My phone goes off and it is Clark. He asked me on a dinner date tonight!
"Hey Babe," Clark said. "Look, I'm not feeling too great. Can we take a rain check for another night?"
I glance at my black dress sadly draping over my miserable bed.
"Sure, that's fine."
"Great, I knew you'd understand," Clark said as he hung up.
Hot, big and clumpy tears poured out of my eyes and I threw myself on my stupid bed.
I'm not sure how long I cried for, but it took a loud knock on my door to get my attention. I wiped my face off knowing mascara had run down my cheeks. My lonely apartment seemed to expand as I walked towards my door.
"Maddy, you and I are going to the mall. Starbucks has new flavors and we need to try them. All of them!" my best friend, Toby, yelled through the door.
Slowly, I opened my house to him and he took one glance at me and said, "Oh, Mads. What is it?'
I grasped at him and hugged him as tight as possible, but he didn't complain. Eventually, I told him what happened and he looked down at me with understanding in his gaze.
"See? This is why we need coffee. Go put on your dress, and I'll treat you to dinner and coffee."
"Toby, can't you see? I am a mess. No one wants to be around me like this."
"Wrong and wrong. I want to be around you all the time. Now, go change."
Nodding, I went to my bedroom and put the dress on. Unfortunately, I looked in the mirror. I could see my stomach under the fabric.
Maybe if I got sick it wouldn't look so bad. I decided to go to the bathroom and purge, and wonderfully enough I felt a ton better.
I wiped my mouth and smiled in the mirror to make sure that there wasn't anything in my teeth. After I was all clear, I went to Toby and told him I was ready.
Toby, being the gentleman he was, opened the passenger door for me and I smiled at him and got into his beat up F250. He mainly used his truck for farming, but sometimes he would drive it around town.
Putting Quiet Riot on, Toby said, "Ready?"
"Absolutely," I said with a genuine smile.
After we arrived at the crowded mall and grabbed our coffees from Starbucks, Toby took us to Olive Garden and we enjoyed a delicious meal together. Until I saw something I shouldn't have.
Clark was sitting with a beautiful brunette who had to be a size 0 and a model. I knew I was too fat, I thought and bit back the tears.
My dinner began to weigh a million pounds in my stomach, and I knew what I needed to do.
"Excuse me," I said to Toby and took myself to the bathroom.
I closed my stall and put my fist under my stomach and pushed up until there was nothing left.
Before I knew what was happening, I was on the bathroom floor and people were calling for help.
I lost full consciousness as Toby entered the women's restroom rushing towards me.
****
"Maddy. Maddy, please wake up. Please," Toby was holding my hand and sitting next to me at the hospital? Was I at a hospital? I can't afford hospital bills.
"Toby?" I tried to speak but my throat was too dry.
"You took your bulimia too far this time, Mads," Toby was crying, and I yearned to reach out and wipe the tears from his face.
"You knew?" I croaked.
"Of course I knew. I'm not stupid. I thought you would stop. I thought you wanted to live."
"I do want to live. I just want people to want me to live. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved, and I thought this would help."
"Does it look like it helped, dammit?" Toby was shaking he was so mad.
"I didn't know I was pushing myself too far. I didn't know it was a big deal."
Toby's heartbroken green eyes looked at me from under his long brown hair. I'm not sure he could think of anything to say to me. I didn't blame him. I was afraid, and it was then I realized I was living a life of fear.
This is the first installment of fiction pieces based on my struggle with bulimia. I was asked to write about my battle with this eating disorder. I believe all people are beautiful despite size, but my vision for myself is skewed. I can see that others are pretty, but it's usually impossible for me. This is a constant battle I face. I am working on quitting and being 100% better, but it's not as easy as desired. If you know anyone with an eating disorder, please be kind and listen. It's hard to go through and your views on yourself while dealing with an eating disorder are very different than those from everyone else. People tell me I am thin, but that's not what I see in the mirror. Just be kind to one another, always.
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